I would not argue that I am addicted to pot. But what purpose that addiction serves, is the question. To me, and my shrink, it’s not about whether I’m addicted or not, it’s about why I’m using and what it does for me.

My shrink and I talk a lot about the reasons I get high, the frequency with which I get high, and the shame and guilt I have over it. But she doesn’t think I am addicted, and doesn’t treat “the issue” like it is something I need to quit.

What I pay attention to, especially at my shrink’s suggestion, is being mindful of what the high does for me. Mostly, it’s an instant and welcome relief from my harsh inner critic, a persona I’ve named Loud-Mouthed Linda. Linda is mean, cynical, and constantly on guard, waiting to attack anyone who so much as looks at me wrong. And she is always with me and seemingly always has been. But once I’m high – she’s easy to make fun of and just sort of … dismiss. So that’s probably my first reason…to put some duct tape on Linda’s mouth.

And of course, my drug of choice for this high is outdoor grown marijuana, flower (bud) straight off the plant. A lot of the mainstream narrative around marijuana is that it is a “gateway” drug, but I must say that has not been my experience at all. While I have, admittedly tried lots of different drugs, pharmaceuticals and street drugs, (recreationally) none have led me to wanting more, or wanting them with any frequency.

And so, the isolation. I question why, when I’m high or getting high – do I prefer to be alone? Am I cutting myself off from the social pleasures of being around people who love me, just to crouch in the corner and suck on a pipe? Sometimes, yes, yes I am, I must confess. Maybe it’s partly the affect of the drug itself, as this study shows, stoner = loner.

Currently, I’m just allowing it. With the COVID pandemic Shelter-In-Place happening, it’s not like I am missing out on social obligations or opportunities, but long before this crisis — my marijuana usage had already become maybe what some would call “a lifestyle” for me, not just a temporary order. So I suppose I must admit it fits my lifestyle. Rather than a glass of wine or a cocktail, I’ll relax with a joint or a bowl.

In my defense, and in defense of marijuana, once I’m high, I’m much more pleasant to be around. My friends who smoke – most of them closeted, like me – joke that “we smoke for your benefit, bro – you wouldn’t want to be around the asshole of me that is not high…” Therein lies my third reason, as a social and cultural lubricant, for our mutual benefit.

I do hear myself, ducking behind the convenient shield of addiction, not working through or processing difficult emotions….but that awareness is four and half years of talk therapy talking. And it’s likely gonna take four and half more, who knows. I like to say it’s a process, not a prescription. My usage of marijuana ebbs and flows, like the tide, and I’m both social when I want to be and alone regularly, to recharge and renew myself.

And I’m okay with that, which is the most important thing.